Ape Escape!!!

Ape Threat Level: Red. There was an oranguntan escape at a zoo over in Australia. The apes want to get fighty!

Just a quick update. Over in Australia, a orangutan escaped from its enclosure. The zoo had to be evacuated. This is one dangerous human-hater.

Apparently, it used a pretty impressive plan to escape from its holding cell. I don't like the sound of this at all. Could this mean the apes are already evolving? I don't know.

I'll be sure to stay updated on this story!

Why the pirates are right

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. There hasn't been much news on the ape front, which concerns me more than you would think.

I was reading a story on CNN about a French Navy vessel captured a whole bunch of pirates who were getting ready to attack. This gave me a great idea.

All of the countries in the world (at least the smart ones) need to start hiring these pirates. Why? The answer is simple. The future apes hate water.

Eventually, if the apes become too powerful, we will have to live on the ocean somehow. The Somali pirates seem to have this down. They love living a life aboard the high seas. With a truce, we could live with them.

Also, looking down the road, if the apes do eventually create a navy themselves, we could rest assured the pirates would be ready for battle. With a couple of junk boats, the pirates take on anything. With a battleship (that we gave the pirates because of the truce), the apes would never stand a chance against humans.

In addition to having the edge in potential aquatic battles, the pirates also benefit us in another way. Being that the Somali pirates probably don't speak English well, there is no way they can tell the apes what we are doing.

That's right. Apes speak English. Don't believe me? Watch this actual footage from the future:

Yeah, that's right. Apes speaking English.

Let's make sure we get these pirates on our side.