To catch an ape...

Ape Threat Level: Red. I still haven't gotten over that dream yet. We need to stay on full alert

Today's been a lazy Sunday for me. Included in this day of lame has been watching hour after hour of "To Catch a Predator." In case you are one of probably three people in America who doesn't know what "To Catch a Predator" is, here's the quick rundown.

On the show, they trap these suckers who are trying to hook-up with minors. The host, Chris Hansen, works with a group called Perverted Justice to find sexual predators in chat rooms. Perverted Justice then poses as a teenage girl or boy and has several explicit conversations with the predators in a chat room. They then invite these guys to a house where the guys think they are going to get lucky with the minor. Once the predator gets in the house, Chris Hansen pops out and basically calls out these dudes for being sleezeballs.

It's fairly entertaining even though I think it is entrapment and a slightly questionable way to arrest people. Anyway, it gave me a great idea on how to catch the apes that may be planning on taking over the world.

Check this....



That's right, I created a MySpace page so I can start friending any apes out there in the cyber-world who might want to start attacking us. If you want to see the actual page, click here.

Anyway, I am going to make a bunch of friends who are apes and then invite them to a meeting. At that point, I will come out and lecture them on what they are doing, just like Chris Hansen does. I'll provide transcripts of what was discussed in messages and tell them it is wrong.

After I'm done with the lecture, I will tell the apes that they are free to go. Little do they know though that a bunch of zoo keepers will be waiting outside to capture them, just like in "To Catch a Predator."

Ha! Chalk one up for the humans this time!

The Dream

Ape Threat Level: Red. If the federal government can raise the terror level on a gut feeling, I think raising the ape threat level based on a dream is a good idea. See the following...

As of late, it has been seeming that the ape threat has been somewhat quiet. I've blogged very little since I have not had much to comment on ape attacks. Then, Tuesday night happened.

As I was sleeping Tuesday, I had a dream. No. A nightmare. Let me describe.

In my dream, I was on an island. This is no surprise considering that a vast amount of my free time is wrapped up in watching, reading about and analyzing the television show Lost. Anyway, on the island, I was with a large group of people. I want to say I knew many of the people, but I don't quite exactly remember who.

For some reason, the group I was with decided that we needed to walk across the island and get to the beach. I was all on board for this trip because it sounded like a great idea. Little did I really know...

We had walked about halfway to the beach when we came upon a frightening scene. In a clearing, there was a large population of speaking apes. For some reason, the group of people thought it was a great idea to walk out to the group of apes to see what was up.

The leader ape yelled at my group of people saying, "What are you people doing here! You are not allowed to go this way."

A person from my group said back, "We're trying to get to the beach. We just want to keep moving."

The ape was not digging on this idea. He said, "Go back or else."

Well, my group of people tried the "or else."

The apes started attacking my people. Being that I was quite frightened, I rally several people to run. I ran with about a half dozen people to an abandoned barn about a half mile away. Unfortunately for us, the apes had a charter bus. Yes. That's right. A charter bus.

They followed us to the barn and were staking us out. So the handful of people and I decided to climb into the rafters of the barn because for some ridiculous reason we thought that apes wouldn't be able to get to us up there.

As we were waiting, an ape jumped me from behind and.....

That's when I woke up in an absolute terror and scared out of my mind.

Now, many may accuse me of making this up, but I swear I had this dream. Thus my friends, remember that we must stay vigilante and remember this threat is serious. I don't want a situation similar to this happening to us anytime soon...

A place where you belong

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. You should never start to feel too comfortable with the apes. Keep alert.

Today was a tough day at work. Thankfully, my place of employment has an awesome commercial to keep me upbeat....



I sing this song at least three times a day.

I'm not joking either.

Game Fuel

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. It appears as if the attack by Timmy or Travis or whatever the heck that chimp's name was just happened to be an isolated attack. I'm keeping myself updated daily though...

As I am sure few of you know, I was a huge fan of Mountain Dew Game Fuel. It was a drink by Mountain Dew that was released in conjunction with the release of Halo 3. Game Fuel was amazing.

Unfortunately for me, it was discontinued after just a couple of months of production. Since then, I have been consistently in touch with the Pepsi Corporation in the hopes that the Game Fuel will be produced once again. Here is my most recent e-mail...

Dear Mountain Dew Makers,

My name is Casey Carmody, and I have a request for you. Nearly a year and a half ago, you created a product that was lovingly called “the nectar of the gods” by my friends and I. This product was none other than Mountain Dew: Game Fuel.

Game Fuel was one of the most amazing beverages I have ever tasted in my life. I loved it so much that I drank at least two cans a day. In fact, most days I drank more than that. I couldn’t help myself. Every time I drank a can of Game Fuel, I only desired more.

I was not alone in this feeling. My group of friends also loved Game Fuel deeply. I can think of many lazy Sunday afternoons that we spent sipping the sweet liquid of Game Fuel while watching ridiculous amounts of football. Nothing in life was better.

Alas, these glory days would not last. Game Fuel was discontinued. It became more and more difficult to find. We would hear rumors that cases of Game Fuel were spotted in a town 30 miles away. We would drive there in the hopes of obtaining a few last cans of our precious resource. Often times, our trips were in vain and we were left disappointed and broken.

Finally, the day came when I drank my last Game Fuel. I remember it well. It was the day of my college graduation. My friends, having a great amount of foresight, hid three cans of the soda so they could share it with me on a day that was one of my crowning achievements of life. Never had I received a better gift than the one I did on the day of my commencement. I was glad I could share this day with my friends by drinking a Game Fuel with them.

This brings me to my request. I beseech you to produce Mountain Dew: Game Fuel once again. I guarantee there are thousands, nay, millions of people in the world that would love nothing better than to taste the beverage that God himself smiles upon. Please fulfill my request. I promise you I would forever be indebted to you until the end of my life if you were able to grant this simple appeal. In your hearts, I believe you know it is right to create Game Fuel for all of its adoring fans.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Casey Carmody

Well, this was the response I received from Dee Dee at the Pepsi Corporation....

I'm going to respond paragraph by paragraph:

Paragraph 1: That's awesome that you are glad to hear from me!

Paragraph 2: Of course I know you've stopped producing Game Fuel. That's why I wrote.

Paragraph 3: You sick, evil, demented jerks! WHY!?!?!? WHY!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?

Paragraph 4: I've spent a lot of time contacting you. If you were really my friend, you would make Game Fuel again.

Paragraph 5: I didn't know that there was that much recycled material in your containers. I would care more if there was actually Game Fuel in those containers.

It would appear as if my quest for Game Fuel's re-introduction did not work once again. Looks like its back to bidding on eBay for cases of Game Fuel that are well over a year old.....

Chimp Attacks Woman in Connecticut

Ape Threat Level: Red! A chimp attacked a Connecticut woman. This is cause for extreme concern. The only advantage we have right now is that the apes do not seem to be organized because there are currently no other reports of attacks.

Well, as I'm sure many of you have already read by now, a chimpanzee attacked a woman in Connecticut just a few days ago. If you haven't heard yet, you can read the story from CNN.

I find this to be very alarming. Personally, I thought we had a little more time to become prepared for the ape threat, but it seems as if it may be coming down upon the human race much sooner than I ever expected.

From all of the research I have been doing while tracking this story for the past several days, it appears as if the attack was completely unprovoked, although the owner said she had given the chimp some Xanax, an anti-anxiety drug, but she recanted the statement Wednesday.

The chimp also looks like it may have had some problems in the past.

Thankfully, the chimp was neutralized. That doesn't mean the threat has been eradicated though.

Looking at this story, if there is someone that I'm completely disappointed with, it's the owner. Teaching a chimp the ways of the human race will only help them defeat us. Not smart at all.

I'll keep an eye on this situation. I don't want this to end up happening to us...

FOOTLONGS!!!!

Ape Threat Level: Orange. The apes would definitely find right now to be a prime to attack. Humans have $5 footlongs from Subway once again, and apes would just love it if they could ruin this.




Holy cow! The $5 Footlong deal is going on again at Subway. This may be one of the best deals that has ever happened to America. The last time they had this deal running, I was eating footlongs day and night. That's no joke.

In fact, I believe that last time this deal was going on was when we still had Mountain Dew Game Fuel around. No wonder I ballooned to my puffiest, ever.

Seriously though, go eat a footlong. I did last night. It's great.

I'm not getting paid by Subway to say this either. I should though.

Whiplash does not live up to the hype

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. The St. Paul Winter Carnival Royalty knighted Whiplash, the rodeo monkey. A knighted ape? This is serious.



Last Thursday, I witnessed the knighting of Whiplash the Rodeo Monkey (see above). Whiplash is famous for his Taco John's advertisements. Unfortunately, as friend George stated, this ceremony was one of the most over-hyped events of all time. This got me thinking about the other most over-hyped things I've experienced. Here's a top ten list....

10.The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions
I went and saw the Matrix Reloaded at midnight. It was not cool to watch. I didn't understand what the Architect was even talking about. At that point, I felt I was obligated to see the Matrix Revolutions to see how it ended. I wish I wouldn't have felt that obligation.

9. Fuddruckers
All I heard about for days was how awesome this burger place was. It was supposed to be amazing. I figured, "Hey! It's a burger buffet bar. Tons of burgers with loads of crazy condiments." No. There were about seven different condiments. Disappoinment like none other.

8. Nostradamus's Predictions
This junk is bunk, yet everybody keeps buying into it. I've read some of this stuff, and I have no clue what it's talking about. If I looked closely enough, I'm sure I could have found the winners to the last 10 Super Bowls. Good thing he's predicting the end of the world...

7. The Nike Vision Institute
Good ol' Troy Williamson (formerly of the Vikes) declared before the 2007 NFL season he had his eyes fixed at the Nike Institute. He would never drop a ball again. Well, Troy, you should get your money back after watching this.

6. Super Mario Bros. 2
I played that game for days. Threw vegetables at everything. None of it made any sense. In the end, you fight a huge frog and it was all a dream in Mario's head. Really!?!?!?!?

5. The Da Vinci Code
This is supposed to be the best novel, ever (so I've been told). Not even 100+ chapters can convince me that Jesus had a couple of kids.

4. The Avian Flu
I thought a huge epidemic was coming. I still haven't used the paper mask I purchased.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Roommate Pat joked that it was going to be a Star Wars movie in disguise. Turns out he was right.

2. World's Tallest Christmas Tree in North Mankato
A radio station touted that the world's tallest Christmas tree was going to be lit in North Mankato. It was actually a radio tower with lights on it. Lame.

1. Y2K
Let's get real. I was told the end of the world was coming. When the clock struck midnight, not even the lights flickered.