Ape Escape!!!

Ape Threat Level: Red. There was an oranguntan escape at a zoo over in Australia. The apes want to get fighty!

Just a quick update. Over in Australia, a orangutan escaped from its enclosure. The zoo had to be evacuated. This is one dangerous human-hater.

Apparently, it used a pretty impressive plan to escape from its holding cell. I don't like the sound of this at all. Could this mean the apes are already evolving? I don't know.

I'll be sure to stay updated on this story!

Why the pirates are right

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. There hasn't been much news on the ape front, which concerns me more than you would think.

I was reading a story on CNN about a French Navy vessel captured a whole bunch of pirates who were getting ready to attack. This gave me a great idea.

All of the countries in the world (at least the smart ones) need to start hiring these pirates. Why? The answer is simple. The future apes hate water.

Eventually, if the apes become too powerful, we will have to live on the ocean somehow. The Somali pirates seem to have this down. They love living a life aboard the high seas. With a truce, we could live with them.

Also, looking down the road, if the apes do eventually create a navy themselves, we could rest assured the pirates would be ready for battle. With a couple of junk boats, the pirates take on anything. With a battleship (that we gave the pirates because of the truce), the apes would never stand a chance against humans.

In addition to having the edge in potential aquatic battles, the pirates also benefit us in another way. Being that the Somali pirates probably don't speak English well, there is no way they can tell the apes what we are doing.

That's right. Apes speak English. Don't believe me? Watch this actual footage from the future:

Yeah, that's right. Apes speaking English.

Let's make sure we get these pirates on our side.

Ape Viruses? What!?!?!?

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. I've got some alarming news that the apes could use against us. Read on.

I was doing some ape threat research the other day when I stumbled upon this little story. That's right, great ape diseases are a serious threat to humans. Why? Because apes are similar to us (unfortunately).

It all starts making sense now. There are ape suicide virus bombers attacking us. These crazed animals are cultivating diseases in themselves to transfer to humans as just one way to take us down.

Look at HIV. It is believed to originate in primates. It kills humans. The apes have used it against us. In fact, it looks like the Star Tribune is reporting that apes may be re-using this tactic.

Why stop at HIV though if you are the apes. I bet they have been developing a whole bunch of biological weapon diseases to destroy us. There's no doubt in my mind that one of the most prevalent diseases out there, TLS (tired leg syndrome), can also be traced back to the apes...

To catch an ape...

Ape Threat Level: Red. I still haven't gotten over that dream yet. We need to stay on full alert

Today's been a lazy Sunday for me. Included in this day of lame has been watching hour after hour of "To Catch a Predator." In case you are one of probably three people in America who doesn't know what "To Catch a Predator" is, here's the quick rundown.

On the show, they trap these suckers who are trying to hook-up with minors. The host, Chris Hansen, works with a group called Perverted Justice to find sexual predators in chat rooms. Perverted Justice then poses as a teenage girl or boy and has several explicit conversations with the predators in a chat room. They then invite these guys to a house where the guys think they are going to get lucky with the minor. Once the predator gets in the house, Chris Hansen pops out and basically calls out these dudes for being sleezeballs.

It's fairly entertaining even though I think it is entrapment and a slightly questionable way to arrest people. Anyway, it gave me a great idea on how to catch the apes that may be planning on taking over the world.

Check this....



That's right, I created a MySpace page so I can start friending any apes out there in the cyber-world who might want to start attacking us. If you want to see the actual page, click here.

Anyway, I am going to make a bunch of friends who are apes and then invite them to a meeting. At that point, I will come out and lecture them on what they are doing, just like Chris Hansen does. I'll provide transcripts of what was discussed in messages and tell them it is wrong.

After I'm done with the lecture, I will tell the apes that they are free to go. Little do they know though that a bunch of zoo keepers will be waiting outside to capture them, just like in "To Catch a Predator."

Ha! Chalk one up for the humans this time!

The Dream

Ape Threat Level: Red. If the federal government can raise the terror level on a gut feeling, I think raising the ape threat level based on a dream is a good idea. See the following...

As of late, it has been seeming that the ape threat has been somewhat quiet. I've blogged very little since I have not had much to comment on ape attacks. Then, Tuesday night happened.

As I was sleeping Tuesday, I had a dream. No. A nightmare. Let me describe.

In my dream, I was on an island. This is no surprise considering that a vast amount of my free time is wrapped up in watching, reading about and analyzing the television show Lost. Anyway, on the island, I was with a large group of people. I want to say I knew many of the people, but I don't quite exactly remember who.

For some reason, the group I was with decided that we needed to walk across the island and get to the beach. I was all on board for this trip because it sounded like a great idea. Little did I really know...

We had walked about halfway to the beach when we came upon a frightening scene. In a clearing, there was a large population of speaking apes. For some reason, the group of people thought it was a great idea to walk out to the group of apes to see what was up.

The leader ape yelled at my group of people saying, "What are you people doing here! You are not allowed to go this way."

A person from my group said back, "We're trying to get to the beach. We just want to keep moving."

The ape was not digging on this idea. He said, "Go back or else."

Well, my group of people tried the "or else."

The apes started attacking my people. Being that I was quite frightened, I rally several people to run. I ran with about a half dozen people to an abandoned barn about a half mile away. Unfortunately for us, the apes had a charter bus. Yes. That's right. A charter bus.

They followed us to the barn and were staking us out. So the handful of people and I decided to climb into the rafters of the barn because for some ridiculous reason we thought that apes wouldn't be able to get to us up there.

As we were waiting, an ape jumped me from behind and.....

That's when I woke up in an absolute terror and scared out of my mind.

Now, many may accuse me of making this up, but I swear I had this dream. Thus my friends, remember that we must stay vigilante and remember this threat is serious. I don't want a situation similar to this happening to us anytime soon...

A place where you belong

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. You should never start to feel too comfortable with the apes. Keep alert.

Today was a tough day at work. Thankfully, my place of employment has an awesome commercial to keep me upbeat....



I sing this song at least three times a day.

I'm not joking either.

Game Fuel

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. It appears as if the attack by Timmy or Travis or whatever the heck that chimp's name was just happened to be an isolated attack. I'm keeping myself updated daily though...

As I am sure few of you know, I was a huge fan of Mountain Dew Game Fuel. It was a drink by Mountain Dew that was released in conjunction with the release of Halo 3. Game Fuel was amazing.

Unfortunately for me, it was discontinued after just a couple of months of production. Since then, I have been consistently in touch with the Pepsi Corporation in the hopes that the Game Fuel will be produced once again. Here is my most recent e-mail...

Dear Mountain Dew Makers,

My name is Casey Carmody, and I have a request for you. Nearly a year and a half ago, you created a product that was lovingly called “the nectar of the gods” by my friends and I. This product was none other than Mountain Dew: Game Fuel.

Game Fuel was one of the most amazing beverages I have ever tasted in my life. I loved it so much that I drank at least two cans a day. In fact, most days I drank more than that. I couldn’t help myself. Every time I drank a can of Game Fuel, I only desired more.

I was not alone in this feeling. My group of friends also loved Game Fuel deeply. I can think of many lazy Sunday afternoons that we spent sipping the sweet liquid of Game Fuel while watching ridiculous amounts of football. Nothing in life was better.

Alas, these glory days would not last. Game Fuel was discontinued. It became more and more difficult to find. We would hear rumors that cases of Game Fuel were spotted in a town 30 miles away. We would drive there in the hopes of obtaining a few last cans of our precious resource. Often times, our trips were in vain and we were left disappointed and broken.

Finally, the day came when I drank my last Game Fuel. I remember it well. It was the day of my college graduation. My friends, having a great amount of foresight, hid three cans of the soda so they could share it with me on a day that was one of my crowning achievements of life. Never had I received a better gift than the one I did on the day of my commencement. I was glad I could share this day with my friends by drinking a Game Fuel with them.

This brings me to my request. I beseech you to produce Mountain Dew: Game Fuel once again. I guarantee there are thousands, nay, millions of people in the world that would love nothing better than to taste the beverage that God himself smiles upon. Please fulfill my request. I promise you I would forever be indebted to you until the end of my life if you were able to grant this simple appeal. In your hearts, I believe you know it is right to create Game Fuel for all of its adoring fans.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Casey Carmody

Well, this was the response I received from Dee Dee at the Pepsi Corporation....

I'm going to respond paragraph by paragraph:

Paragraph 1: That's awesome that you are glad to hear from me!

Paragraph 2: Of course I know you've stopped producing Game Fuel. That's why I wrote.

Paragraph 3: You sick, evil, demented jerks! WHY!?!?!? WHY!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?

Paragraph 4: I've spent a lot of time contacting you. If you were really my friend, you would make Game Fuel again.

Paragraph 5: I didn't know that there was that much recycled material in your containers. I would care more if there was actually Game Fuel in those containers.

It would appear as if my quest for Game Fuel's re-introduction did not work once again. Looks like its back to bidding on eBay for cases of Game Fuel that are well over a year old.....

Chimp Attacks Woman in Connecticut

Ape Threat Level: Red! A chimp attacked a Connecticut woman. This is cause for extreme concern. The only advantage we have right now is that the apes do not seem to be organized because there are currently no other reports of attacks.

Well, as I'm sure many of you have already read by now, a chimpanzee attacked a woman in Connecticut just a few days ago. If you haven't heard yet, you can read the story from CNN.

I find this to be very alarming. Personally, I thought we had a little more time to become prepared for the ape threat, but it seems as if it may be coming down upon the human race much sooner than I ever expected.

From all of the research I have been doing while tracking this story for the past several days, it appears as if the attack was completely unprovoked, although the owner said she had given the chimp some Xanax, an anti-anxiety drug, but she recanted the statement Wednesday.

The chimp also looks like it may have had some problems in the past.

Thankfully, the chimp was neutralized. That doesn't mean the threat has been eradicated though.

Looking at this story, if there is someone that I'm completely disappointed with, it's the owner. Teaching a chimp the ways of the human race will only help them defeat us. Not smart at all.

I'll keep an eye on this situation. I don't want this to end up happening to us...

FOOTLONGS!!!!

Ape Threat Level: Orange. The apes would definitely find right now to be a prime to attack. Humans have $5 footlongs from Subway once again, and apes would just love it if they could ruin this.




Holy cow! The $5 Footlong deal is going on again at Subway. This may be one of the best deals that has ever happened to America. The last time they had this deal running, I was eating footlongs day and night. That's no joke.

In fact, I believe that last time this deal was going on was when we still had Mountain Dew Game Fuel around. No wonder I ballooned to my puffiest, ever.

Seriously though, go eat a footlong. I did last night. It's great.

I'm not getting paid by Subway to say this either. I should though.

Whiplash does not live up to the hype

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. The St. Paul Winter Carnival Royalty knighted Whiplash, the rodeo monkey. A knighted ape? This is serious.



Last Thursday, I witnessed the knighting of Whiplash the Rodeo Monkey (see above). Whiplash is famous for his Taco John's advertisements. Unfortunately, as friend George stated, this ceremony was one of the most over-hyped events of all time. This got me thinking about the other most over-hyped things I've experienced. Here's a top ten list....

10.The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions
I went and saw the Matrix Reloaded at midnight. It was not cool to watch. I didn't understand what the Architect was even talking about. At that point, I felt I was obligated to see the Matrix Revolutions to see how it ended. I wish I wouldn't have felt that obligation.

9. Fuddruckers
All I heard about for days was how awesome this burger place was. It was supposed to be amazing. I figured, "Hey! It's a burger buffet bar. Tons of burgers with loads of crazy condiments." No. There were about seven different condiments. Disappoinment like none other.

8. Nostradamus's Predictions
This junk is bunk, yet everybody keeps buying into it. I've read some of this stuff, and I have no clue what it's talking about. If I looked closely enough, I'm sure I could have found the winners to the last 10 Super Bowls. Good thing he's predicting the end of the world...

7. The Nike Vision Institute
Good ol' Troy Williamson (formerly of the Vikes) declared before the 2007 NFL season he had his eyes fixed at the Nike Institute. He would never drop a ball again. Well, Troy, you should get your money back after watching this.

6. Super Mario Bros. 2
I played that game for days. Threw vegetables at everything. None of it made any sense. In the end, you fight a huge frog and it was all a dream in Mario's head. Really!?!?!?!?

5. The Da Vinci Code
This is supposed to be the best novel, ever (so I've been told). Not even 100+ chapters can convince me that Jesus had a couple of kids.

4. The Avian Flu
I thought a huge epidemic was coming. I still haven't used the paper mask I purchased.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Roommate Pat joked that it was going to be a Star Wars movie in disguise. Turns out he was right.

2. World's Tallest Christmas Tree in North Mankato
A radio station touted that the world's tallest Christmas tree was going to be lit in North Mankato. It was actually a radio tower with lights on it. Lame.

1. Y2K
Let's get real. I was told the end of the world was coming. When the clock struck midnight, not even the lights flickered.

Inaugartion Mania!

Ape Threat Level: Blue. We've got a new president who I am absolutely certain will be tough on the ape threat.




If you aren't able to tell what is going on in the photo above, my buddy Anderson and I are hanging out on the National Mall mere hours before President Obama's inauguration. That is correct. I was present for the inauguration. I felt that it was almost necessary to go being that I had driven down to Springfield, IL., (with Anderson and Fleck) nearly two years earlier to watch then Senator Obama announce his intentions to run for President. That looked a little something like this...



The whole experience was awesome. We had a great viewing area since we received tickets from the great Congressman from Minnesota's 1st District. Granted, we couldn't actually see President Obama very well since he was still quite a distance away, but getting a chance to be there live was rockin'! This is pretty much what our view looked like...



The speech Obama gave was also excellent. I think he made it very clear that he is planning on going in a much different direction that what has been happening in the past eight years, which is much needed.

As a whole, the experience was unforgettable, and it was awesome to be present for such a historical moment. How many times do you get a once-in-a-lifetime experience? That's correct, once.

Oh yeah, we also met Dennis Kucinich. Awesome!

Dangerous Monkey and QB Talker

Ape Threat Level: Orange

Apparently there was a monkey loose earlier this week in Clearwater, Fla. Why is it upping the threat level you may ask? It likes to throw feces at people. Authorities say it is not dangerous, but we all know that it is. Stay posted my friends...

Moving on to my main thoughts today, the now bankrupt Star Tribune had a story earlier this week that interested me greatly. It's clear I love discussing who the next quarterback will be for the Minnesota Vikings, and I thought I would comment on some of the speculations....

Free Agents

Matt Cassel
Please, please, please, please, please, please be Cassel. I think this guy is the man. I jumped on his side from the very beginning when all others were hating. Granted, the Patriots didn't make it to the playoffs, but Cassel led them to an 11-5 record. Awesome! It is very few and far between that you don't get in with that many wins. Really. Granted, the franchise tag is probably going to be placed on him, but I'm all for paying him $14 million and giving up some first-round picks. We'd probably take some defensive ends that will never pan out anyway....

Kerry Collins
Not a bad guy. After all, he did lead the Titans through a pretty good season. He's going to want to be somewhere that he will be the starting quarterback. Could it be Minnesota? I wouldn't mind it. Downside is his age though. He's 36. On the other hand, the NFL is a win now league and he's playing fairl well right now.

Jeff Garcia
Pretty old for my taste at 39. He didn't really bring Tampa Bay Tampa Bay through the bind at the end of the season. It would be better than T-Jack, but I don't think that much better.

J.P. Losman
I don't even want to waste my time addressing this.

Kurt Warner
The leader of the gang busters! Man have the Cards come out gunning for people in the post-season. Falcons, DEAD!!! Panthers, DEAD!!! I like Warner. He's also old though. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if the Cardinals want him to stick around for one more year. I would definitely take Warner though if he was available. This quarterback is pretty solid.

Trade Possibilities

Donovan McNabb
It's a well-known fact I don't like McNabb much. There's just something about him I can put my finger on. That being said, I would still take him at this point though. He is good enough to get the ball in the hands of the receivers and can make the big plays when needed. I think with McNabb being the field general with Purple Jesus being the first lieutenant, you would see defenses shaking in there jock straps. Definitely worth giving up a few picks to get this guy.

Matt Hasselbeck
Everybody was really thinking he was going to be coming here about a week ago. Well guess what, it's not going to happen. I'm going to agree with Paul Allen that new coach Mora out in Seattle would never give up the cornerstone of the team. Hasselbeck is staying in Seattle. I wouldn't mind him though. Granted he had a crappy year and was injured, but look what he had to work with. The 7th and 8th string receivers? Nobody can do anything with that. Once again, he would be an improvement of our current situation.

Sage Rosenfels
I'm luke-warm on this one at best. Not worth much in my mind. If we could get him on the cheap, do it.

Other Options

Derek Anderson
This guy is a wild card. I'm not really sure which way to feel about this. 2 years ago, awesome. This past year, crap. It's a roll of the dice I guess. If we can get him without giving up much, let's do it.

Brett Favre
NO!!!!! I don't want him. He looked like he was going to lead the Jets to the Super Bowl and then just stunk it up in the end. He's used up and worn out. I will never again draft him in fantasy football (hopefully there is not even that option) and I would be disappointed if he is on our team. Avoid it like the plague.

Well, those are my thoughts. Nothing probably to write home about, but we need a new QB. No ifs, ands or buts about it. It's gotta be done.

Panda attacks signify trouble?

Ape Threat Level: Orange

Check this out folks. A panda in a chinese zoo has feasted on human flesh for the third time! It is my belief this could be a precursor to an ape strike. It makes enough sense that the apes would send a lesser mammal to attack humans to weaken us. Don't let it trick you though.

In fact, people have declared that a bear threat is imminent. I think this is merely propaganda by the apes. Unfortunately, several people have been duped by this. Prominent people who have been tricked by this scam include Stephen Colbert. It's not his fault though, the apes are pretty smart.

To prepare you for this ape attack (which is certainly coming, look at the threat level!), I suggest checking out this site. Granted, it is a government site that is trying to prepare you for terrorists, but clearly the apes are much more of a threat. Remember that.

Vikings Disappointment and Cassel Kool-Aid...

Ape Threat Level: Yellow. It’s always best to be prepared in case they strike.

Well, the Purple did it to me once again. My disappointment knows no bounds. That half-gallon of purple Kool-Aid was all for naught. It has taken me four days to even consider talking about it I am so distraught.

The Vikings went ahead and had quite the disappointing showing in their Wild Card Game against the Eagles. The Vikes ended up going 26-14. Damn. Thus I ended up as 0-2 on Vikings games that I was actually present for this season.

Breaking down the game though, it was actually quite entertaining until the fourth quarter which blatantly exposed the weakness of our team. Quarterback Tarvaris Jackson. To be honest though, he sunk our hope of winning well before the last six minutes of the game. As soon as he threw the interception returned for touchdown to Asante Samuel, you could feel that the Vikes were in serious trouble. Then, in the fourth quarter, Brian Westbrook and the screen happened (it was the most finely executed screen pass I have ever seen) and T-Jack never could bring us back.

At this point, we simply have to get a new quarterback. My vote is Matt Cassel of the New England Patriots. Yeah we would have to pay him a $14 million salary and two first round draft picks since it appears he is about to get a franchise tag. In my mind worth it. I’m already biting at the chops to get my Cassel purple jersey. It would probably look a little like this….





(11 is not Cassel's real number. It's 16. I couldn't do it otherwise though.)

Anyway, the guy is a stud. We need Cassel here because Jackson is not the answer. Back-up, sure. Starter, no! Believe me people, Cassel is how we should roll.

Staying Up Late is Fun

Ape Threat Level: Yellow

The ape threat is still out there. We should all be particularly aware though since several Microsoft Zunes started to malfunction all at once the other day. CNN.com reported that several Zunes stopped working for no apparent reason. I'm guessing it is the apes because they would logically try to strike at things that we as humans love most. We love music and we love our nifty little gadgets. Keep an eye on this my friends.

Anyway, I'm over at George's place right now. Him and I have been playing video games since 4 p.m. on January 1st. Right now is 12:46 a.m. on January 2nd. Rockin'. We have been getting the crap kicked out of us by online players of Mortal Kombat vs. DC. The game is sweet and fun, but it's not so fun when you are in the beginners only area yet there are people in there who have one 768 straight matches. If you ask me, this is not a beginner. This guy is a jerk. I don't see why he likes beating the heck out of people who hardly even know the controls.

Other than that, the G blade and I have also been playing a game where we been killing a bunch of terrorists. Go America. We are also hopped up on a whole bunch of Mountain Dew and frozen pizza. I'm living the dream right now.

P.S. Purple Immortality plays on Sunday. Against my better judgment and the wishes of many of my friends, I will be attending the Vikes game agains the Eagles. I know I am 0-1 at Vikings games this year, but I think I definitely have the process down so I won't mess it up like last time. We'll see what happens this weekend.

Remember friends, the ape threat is serious. Planet of the Apes is actual footage. Keep that in mind since we can learn a lot by watching those films on how to prevent the apes from attacking.